Attending a School Full of Inbred Freaks
by filtered
Summary: Being a boarder student can be difficult. For Honnouji Academy's own Zakku Yamashiro, it's a chore just to get out of bed every morning for the days that ensue. His luck takes a turn for the better when he's saved by transfer student Ryūko Matoi and is once again thrust into the random misadventures with his friend Mako. The chaos that will come will no doubt scar him for life!
1. Chapter 1: Guardian (Hell's) Angel

My hands were shaking uncontrollably as I handed her that envelope. Hell, my entire body felt as if there was an earthquake in the Academy (based off of past experiences, that would not be surprising).

It was about a week after I was first introduced to her that I decided that I would have the decency more or less the balls- to ask her formally. I decided to go with the gentlemanly approach. It was an understatement to say that every single male student in the Honnouji Academy received a nosebleed when they first witnessed Ryūko's transformation. Except for me, of course; I did everything I could to avoid even catching a glimpse of it.

The hardest part seemed not to be giving her the note, but writing it in the first place. Hours were spent wracking my brain searching for words that weren't too bland, but not over-the-top sappy either. I found myself literally destroying the eraser end of my pencil several times.

Of course, there was also the main issue: she was always sleeping right next to me.

...  
HONOUJI ACADEMY'S FIRST BOARDING STUDENT: YAMASHIRO ZAKKU

Being chased by some of the more heavy-set students was always a part of my school day. Why? Well, I was one of the first boarding students at the Academy. The boarding program was established when the housing committee discovered- surprisingly, to their horror- that the slums were overcrowded. After being put through several tests involving practical high school subjects, it was decided that I would be given a dormitory, completely free of charge. As you can imagine, it made life very easy during "No Tardy Days-" class was a hop, skip and a jump away (the disciplinary committee seemed not to mind; they even seemed to have forgotten about me when the slums became available after all the expellations).

I suppose that's the reason why I was targeted by all the beefcakes around here. I was given a bit of luxury and freedom while others were forced to deal with life in the slums.

I was usually lucky between classes. There were many places to hide, secret passages to slip through, etc. If all else failed, I could just hide in the bathroom and hope for the best until classes started. One day, as the daily chases dwindled to once a week (and a ray of hope appeared meaning that I wouldn't have to deal with their agonizing grunts and calls every few yards away), I made a change of plans. Thinking that there was some sort of complicated plan going on from my usual pursuers, I decided to take a rather unnecessary walk through town after climbing out of my dorm window.

I'm sure you can see how fucking stupid I was.

I exited an alley only to have my arms grabbed from behind.

"Where do ya think you're going, meat?"  
"'Meat?' That's honestly the nicest thing I've ever heard you fellows call me."  
"You want that smart mouth torn off ya too, kid?"

No. No I did not. Of course, my mouth had a mind of its own and made a rebuttal against the large and overly-built student towering over me.  
"My mouth is smarter than you, obviously. If not then it would be-" whoof! Saliva and the encore appearance of my breakfast went right out in front of me. Tears stung my eyes as the oaf pulled back his fist.  
"You threw up on my shoes, kid. Your death wish has been granted."

There was a mixture of anger at my stupid mouth (who, I believe, began a charming sentence about his shoes looking better with vomit on them) and a feeling of dread, realizing that they were actually ready to kill me as the fist came again.

I heard the big guy scream as he was flown back about eighty yards, crashing to my left. I kept my eyes shut, thinking that some other prank was being pulled, when the dude holding my arms let go suddenly and charged at whatever had hit his pal.

…More cries of pain. I still kept my lids shut, hoping/praying that whomever had "saved" me would be merciful.

"...Yo. You okay?"  
"P-please don't kill me!" Dear God, I sound pathetic.  
"Huh? Open your eyes. I'm not gonna kill you." Hold on… this dude…

I opened my eyes slowly, unsure of the gender whom I was speaking to. My eyes went straight to a red strand in fluffy dark-blue hair. Holy crap… that chick just saved my ass…

Her uniform was nothing like the Academy's, so I instantly took her as a transfer student.

She yawned. "Two fights on my first day? That's a surprise… usually there's more."  
I looked away, thinking of a response. "Hey uh… thanks for saving me."  
"Don't mention it." She turned and walked away, something that looked like a metal guitar case slung over her back.

I found myself a bit disappointed that our conversation had ended so quickly. Something… some sort of common sense in the back my mind told me to call her.

"Hm?" She looked over her shoulder.  
"Look, um… I don't really trust these guys, so… can I walk with you?"  
She smirked. "So you need a bodyguard, eh?"  
"Sort of like that…" I rubbed my arm.  
"If you can find a faster way to school, you've got yourself a deal."

The walk to school was a quiet one. We exchanged names, hers being Ryūko Matoi. She was indeed a transfer student, so we had something in common after all. The conversation dwindled when I asked her what was in that metal case. She simply referred to it as a "tool of revenge." Considering that she was sort of my Guardian Angel, I decided to do the smart thing and not ask any questions. Except for one.

"Hold on a sec… you said that this is your second fight today, right? Who was the first?"  
She scratched the side of her head. "Well, it wasn't exactly a fight. I think it was Mako Makanshoku's little brother."  
"Ah, so he bothered you too, huh?"  
"You know Mako?"  
"Yeah, we're good friends. We usually take different routes to school, since the assholes back there tend to separate us anyway. I should really get back to walking with her; she's probably the only friend I have at the moment."  
"Well, I'd say we're friends now."  
"I suppose."

"Zakku! Ryūko! Two of my best friends in one place!" My on-and-off pal Mako greeted us at the front gate. "You're late, Ryūko-chan, where were you?"  
"I was busy running into your friend Yamashiro here."  
"That's great! Then there's no need for introductions!"

I couldn't help but smile at my friend's cheerful attitude. The Academy itself was a pretty depressing and boring place with not much going on aside from the fights. Mako was sort of like a little candle with a strong flame in the darkness, which was funny if you really thought about it.

Without warning, she took both me and Ryūko's hands and placed them together. We both jumped.

"This is amazing! I have two friends who can bond! And since the two of you are different genders, it would make things way more interesting!"

As Mako led the two of us to our classrooms (we were more late than I thought), Ryūko turned to me.

"Does this… happen often?" She was referring to my friend's hyperactive nature, I had no doubt.  
"Oh yeah," I said with a smirk.

"Every day."


	2. Chapter 2: Bursts of Zeal

I sighed through clenched teeth, wiping eyes crust in the harsh rays. I didn't need to look in a mirror to know that my eyes were puffier than balls of cotton. My sleeping hours have dwindled. Ain't that a bitch.

Two days had passed since the defeat of the Captain of the Boxing Club (like hell I remember _that_ asshole's name). I witnessed Ryūko's supposed ass-kicking by the bald bastard shortly after we arrived at the Academy, worried more about my own safety above anything else, and hadn't seen her since. Of course, looking back at this now, it really _was _a stupid decision not to worry about her and at least _attempt _to see the rematch going on between her and Captain Baldy.

Sighing again, I walked out of my dorm room only to find Mako standing outside my door, panting loudly.

"Eh? What's up with you?"

She lifted her hands into the air slowly, and a loud "hallelujah" echoed in my ears. _Oh, THIS_ _again._

"No one saw Ryūko-chan after Fukuroda-senpai defeated her in a duel! I was really worried that I wouldn't see her again but she showed up the next day in a half-naked outfit! Fukuroda-senpai was really angry and tried to attack her but her suit-thingy gave her special powers and she swatted him aside easily! And... and..." She panted some more.

_Her impressions are actually pretty accurate..._ "Easy, easy. So you're saying that she's okay, right? That's good. Where is she, anyway?"

"I'm crashing at _her_ place from now on," Ryūko said as she stepped behind Mako.  
"Oh, there you are. Glad to see you're okay."  
"Yeah, more or less. I wasn't able to get any answers out of that nori-eyebrowed bitch, though."  
"Kiriyuin Satsuki-sama..." Mako whispered in my ear.  
"Yeah, thought so..." I whispered back. "So, what's your beef with her? More importantly, I heard you kicked Fukuroda's ass. How did that go?"

To my surprise, her face went beet-red with an almighty-pissed-off expression on her face. "I don't wan't to talk about it."

Part of Mako's speech throbbed in my head. _Half-naked outfit... half-naked outfit..._

...

I recall stating that I did everything I could do to avoid looking at Ryūko's transformation. I lied, of course. If that sentence caught you off guard; if you expected me to react to this situation like a polite, respectable young man- who wouldn't be caught dead trying to catch a glimpse of this "half-naked outfit-" please accept my sincerest apology.

I spent the next few days doing the opposite. Every time I heard students talk amongst themselves about a confrontation- even something as small as a tussle- between Ryuko Matoi and anyone from the Academy, I would race to the battlefield and try and catch even the smallest sight of it. Of course, because whomever was in charge of karma had issues with me, there was always !something! that got in the way.

When Ryuuko took on the shark-toothed chick from the Tennis Club (not good with names, apparently), I rushed to the tennis courts, only to be be overwhelmed by the large crowds. I heard hooting and cries of "take it off!" and "cat fight!" and other perverted calls and saw people fainting with their noses overflowing, but couldn't see anything.

At first I felt like it was my duty and responsibility to see this with my own eyes, for my curiosity to finally be put to rest. Take it from a pervert's point of view.

Now it just felt like a complete waste of my time. It didn't hinder my spirits or anything like that- I'm not THAT much of a pervert- but instead gave me a desire to learn more about her. From that point on, I began to make excuses to start hanging out with Mako, knowing that Ryūko would be present as well. As days passed, I noticed that I was getting involved with the group at a slow yet steady pace. There would be days where I would be late for my classes (ones that took place on the other side of the school) and discover that the two of them had actually _waited _for me outside of the Academy, not caring that their schedules were intruded. Mako would wave and jump up and down excitedly, Ryūko with her hand in the air.

Other days I found myself waiting for _them _instead. Regardless, I had never felt so happy to be part of a group.

...

I woke up the next morning feeling all but excited, grateful that I actually had a reason to get up in the morning. This feeling of zeal lasted for about twenty minutes and even went through me seeing that stupid sign Mako had written on my door for the first time.

"If you bully Zakku-kun, you're f**king dead!"

Then, signed at the bottom in the handwriting of my supposed savior: "Matoi Ryūko." The old Zakku Yamashiro made me want to rip the note off of my door and crumple it. The new Zakku, high off of a zeal that need not be injected into one's veins, almost cried laughing. Normally my dorm-neighbors would walk outside and yell at me for about two minutes, but apparently _they_ had seen the sign as well, and stayed in their rooms.

My zeal episode finally began to dwindle as I neared the entrance of the Academy, where I waited about five minutes for my pals to show up. My energy slowed down and soon died as I saw a lone Ryūko trudge onto the school grounds with her head lowered.

"Eh? What's the matter?"  
"Absent."

I cocked my head, asking her to repeat herself, already knowing what she was talking about.

"Mako... she's sick today."


	3. Chapter 3: Try Not To Die

"Ryūko-chan… I… I can't go on today!"  
"Get up Mako, I know you can do it! You have to keep pushing forward!"  
"Go on… do it for… *cough* ...do it for both… of… us… *bleh!*"  
"MAKOOOOOO!"

Ryūko watched as Mako slid into unconsciousness, her hands clasping hers. She closed her eyes and felt her head fall as Mako sparked to life with four more words…

"Mom! Vomit bucket please!"

…

"So… that's what happened…"

I stood with an expression of utter disbelief on my face. Mako Makanshoku? Sick? How does something like that even come to pass? If anything she probably hides it when she's under the weather... her disgustingly cheerful attitude looks all-but-invincible, even in the shittiest situations. If that wasn't enough, I also had to deal with _another _issue... Ryūko, with her face utterly crushed. The badass rough-and-tumble girl that I knew was almost a shell of her former self. I couldn't blame her, though; anyone who's around Mako is pretty much saved from becoming a depressed zombie on a school morning.

"Hey, Ryūko!"  
"Hm?" She kept her head down.  
"Let's go to school and finish the day for her. She wanted us to move on, right? So let's do it!" I pumped my fist in the air along with a small war-cry (which quickly devolved into a squeak as I noticed that other students were glaring at us).  
"...Okay." Head was _still_ down.

I sighed. There was no way I was going to get through to her. I crouched and looked up at her depressed face, cringing that it was worse than I expected.

"Do you really think Mako would want to see you like this? We need to finish the day in honor of our fallen hero. C'mon!"  
"Just leave me alone, will 'ya?" She snapped, turning away.

This was the first time she spoke to me with such an attitude, one that made me clench my fists. For one of the few times in my life, I was furious with her. Completely over the bullshit that was transpiring at this very moment, coupled with the fact that I was scared of remarking with something that would earn me an ass-kicking, I was somehow inspired to do something so completely humiliating that I would find myself vomiting in my mouth with even the slightest thought of it. ...I raised my hands and shouted at the top of my lungs:

"HALLELUJAH!" I kept my gaze right at Ryūko, my teeth grinding, trying my best to ignore the odd stares directed at me from every angle. Clearing my throat in preparation for more cringing, I pressed on... only this time, with a grueling impersonation of our missing member. "What do you think you're doing, Ryūko-chan? The only way you can become stronger and battle Lady Satsuki is to fight, fight, FIGHT!" As the looks in my direction went from creepy to condescending, I transferred my focus to that of the downer of whom I was speaking to...

...Ryūko's eyes were sparkling, completely transfixed on my performance.

"You can't let something stupid like this get in your way! You have to keep your chin up and press on because you're the coolest, awesomest most amazing-est half-naked warrior EVEEEEEEEERR!"

With the last of that horrid speech finally ending, I began to hear the whispers of rumors to come. Panting, I allowed my body to finally give in to the nonsense and steeled my nerves for a collapsing thud.

That was when I felt her grab my collar. "You're the biggest dumbass I've ever met, ya know that?" I couldn't see her expression let alone respond. Thankfully, I didn't have to, as she quickly pulled me in and wrapped her arms around me. "Thanks. Thanks so much."

We stood like that in silence for about sixty seconds, my heart beginning to ache and rabbit-thump at the same time. Something found its way into my stomach and lingered there, something that wanted me to beg her to keep squeezing me. My lips started to run dry as realization struck me.

I had fallen for her.

...

The hours that passed were very quiet and bland, for obvious reasons. Lessons droned on as usual, save the lack of munching-into-snoring from Ryūko's right. I smartly changed classes after finding out that the boy who usually sat to Ryūko's left was caught peeking into the girl's locker room and was beaten senseless and expelled by Jakuzure, which always gave me a chuckle whenever it popped into my noggin.

I was quite relieved to see that my pep talk had worked, as Ryūko's mood had improved drastically. And by "improved" I mean "lounging with her back against the chair and not giving two shits." This was much better than seeing her crushed, so I took that into consideration and diverted my attention to whatever the hell Mikisugi was droning on about (something involving Germany in 1914 or Belgium waffles, I was hardly paying attention myself).

"Cut the crap Zakku, what about that lovey-dovey shit you just ended with?" Yeah yeah, I know, hold on.

…

I found a nice quiet place outside (which was a blessing considering how loud the damn place always is) and opened my bento. I spent three, five minutes tops just sitting and staring down at my lunch, taking in the events this morning. It just wasn't the right without our hyperactive best friend/cheerleader. Here I was, finally getting the peace and quiet that I wanted, only to find out that I was missing her all along. I closed my bento with a shaking hand.

"You can't eat either, can you?" I heard.

Before turning my head to acknowledge her, I felt her press her back against mine.

"Hey Ryūko," I said, shuddering ever so slightly.  
"Ugh, I'm not even hungry. I miss her too much. Pretty silly, eh?"  
"She's a close friend; I don't blame either of us for feeling this way."  
"You have a point." Her fingers touched my hair as she rested her head in her palms. "Which reminds me... I've been meaning to tell you something."  
"Shoot."

I looked up at our President's tower- missing that bright-ass spotlight- as I waited for what seemed like hours. I had expected her to send some sort of awkward apology my way, one accounting for that hug she gave me that morning. It was a blessing just to talk with her again, so I kept quiet.

"If you feel like a third wheel because of how close I am with Mako..."  
"Oh, it's about _that_. Look, you don't need to-"  
"Shut up. I'm not good with this sorta thing, so just give me a minute."

I could hear students in other classrooms chatting it up, talking about girls, video games, how hot the transfer student is when she's half-naked.

"You know that you're probably my closest friend, right? Aside from Mako, I mean."  
"Huh?" Her reply surprised the hell out of me. Against my common sense, I opened my bento and began to eat. Seemed that all I needed was her voice to help me eat again. How pathetic.  
"Ugh, just... thanks, alright?"  
"For what?" She turned around and slugged my arm, causing me to almost spill my lunch. Instead of being cross with her, I found myself laughing. "I'm kidding, I know what you're talking about."  
"Don't joke around with me about this," she replied, still annoyed. "It took a lot of fuckin' guts to do what you did back there."

I was grateful that she couldn't see me blushing my freaking head off.

"Just do me a favor, would you?" Ryūko asked, pulling me around to face her.  
I almost spilled my lunch a second time. "Oh? What's that?"  
"Keep it up."

After those three words, she gave me a smile that sewed everything up. A curve of the lips, a simple facial expression that made my heart ache a second time. That hug she gave me that morning surprised me; the look she was giving me now was just plain torture.

"This school is full of people who would rather fall between the lines under that bitch Kiriyuin Satsuki than fight back against her," she continued. "It's people like you who I'm glad are on my side. You're my friend, Zakku, and I want you to know that."  
"Roger dodger" was the only response I could come up with at the moment.

She gave me a suspicious look, but decided to shake it off and pull me in for one hell of a buddy-hug.

"C'mon," she said laughing, "let's dig in. I feel a hell of a lot better."

...

What happened during the two days felt like years. I made the decision to confess to Ryūko, but for the life of me could not decide on how to go through with it. As if trying to push me forward a bit, Ryūko started adding me into the conversations that she would usually only keep to herself and Mako (who was apparently perfectly healthy to return to school the next day). After every few sentences into the conversation, Ryūko would turn her head towards me.

"What about you, Zakku?"  
"Hm? What are we talking about?" Then, after seeing her comically irritated expression: "Sorry, I'm still not used to being so involved like this."  
"Well, excuse me for trying to include you in our private conversations."  
"It's fine, really. I'm just glad our little group is whole again."

As Ryūko walked off to the bathroom, I felt Mako's presence dangerously close to mine.

"So, Zakku-kun… you two really hit it off yesterday, huh?"  
"Eh? What do you-"  
"I know how close the two of you are…" She had a very hilarious "I-told-you-so" expression on her face, and her body language? … Don't make my sides hurt with having to explain.  
"Is it that noticeable?" I asked, blushing.  
"Mhm! Just about everyone knows about your crush on Ryūko-chan!"

I gulped. "E-Everyone?"

"Well, no..."

I sighed with relief.

"...Just the boys."

I shat myself.

I knew they were glaring at me whenever I walked with her, but Christ-In-A-Can, I never knew it would get _this _serious.

"So what do you think I should do? You two are the best of pals."  
"You haven't seen her in her Kamui, right?"  
"Nope." I thanked her in my mind for at least keeping _that _secret.  
"Then you should try the direct approach!"  
"Okay…"

Hallelujah!

_Fuck._

"Ryūko-chan is a tough and strong willed girl, so going about a completely direct approach is the best way to win her heart! She absolutely positively for-completely-surely _hates_ dirty pervs, you can ask my dad and brother, they get their asses kicked by her all the time! Her boobs are like big plump tomatoes, so try your best not to stare at them! They're even bigger than mine! Anyway, if you want to get her you should do… THIS!"

She handed me a cute-looking pen and paper, folded into a letter. Then, she pulled a heart-shaped sticker off of her tongue. As I shat myself for a record-breaking second time that day, Mako Makanshoku, my second "savior," gave me one hell of a thumbs-up.

"Good luck, Zakku-kun! Make sure not to die!"

She left me standing there outside of the classroom with my face burning with the heat of seven suns.


	4. Chapter 4: Tiny, Tiny Brain

"Just shut up and hold still, alright?"

"Then at least explain-"

"Ya know, you shouldn't have wrote such deep things in that letter."

"Wha? Why?"

"Because… I'm gonna eat you up!"

"EH?"

I am now going to revisit the inner crevices of my mind and explain what led up to this point. These pants won't be getting any tighter.

…

"Zakku, why are you just standing there? Class is gonna start."

I quickly hid the supplies behind my back. "Oh! Right! Sorry, just… uh…" Excuse… think of a shitty excuse… "I… thought I heard Senketsu say something."

Her face went red and she looked down at her uniform. "I told you to keep your mouth shut about that! … Bullshit, he heard you! … Yeah, I guess…"

I blinked. It was as if it was my _intention _to make the situation awkward.

"H-hey don't worry about it! I'm sure it was nothing." _What's up with me? I sound so pathetic…_

"Well, regardless… there is something I need to talk to you about."

"What's that?"

She looked back down at her uniform, blushing again. I imagined the eye looking back up at her and felt like chuckling.

"I haven't discussed with Mako just yet, but… Senketsu and I want you stay over at Mako's from now on."

"Wha...?" The wheels in my blank mind began to turn. "WHA!?"

"It seems pretty stupid that we're not all staying over at the same place anyway, right? I mean… we're a group, aren't we?"

Now it was _my_turn to blush.

"I know we are, but... I mean, I'm a guy. Wouldn't that be awkward?" _This is a chance of a lifetime, and here I am turning it down. Love fucking SUCKS._

"Nah. Mako's dad and brother are total perverts, but I keep them away. Besides, you're not a perverted asshole, so I know I can trust you to sleep near me."

"Wait, WHAT?"

"Huh? Oh. We live in the slums, so we can't really afford to have more than one bedroom." Her eyes widened, realizing that although they're not the fancy-schmanciest quarters, the dorms at the Academy were well-kept and had their own luxuries. "I know it's not the cleanest place, but... look, if you want to stay, you can."

"Yes." I said this without any sort of hesitation, which caught her by surprise.

"R-really?"

"Uh-huh. We're a team, just like you said. 'Sides, if I stay up here at the Academy, just what the hell would I look like to you guys?"

Her eyes widened again, and her lip quivered.

She hugged me.

It was a short, fleeting moment, but it felt like hours upon hours. To put it in simple terms, it was the most cliché moment I ever had in my entire life. I can think back about what happened days later (things involving the preview that I mentioned earlier) but can't find anything this… _cliché_. Of course, "cliché" doesn't mean "atrocious" or "awful" or any word describing a negative experience.

I found myself under a sort of trance, one that made me shiver. _Horrendously_. I could hardly do anything aside from pat her on the back pathetically. At that moment, I began to realize that I may be a literal trainwreck during romantic experiences.

...

I had never been in a relationship before; my parents were always hardheaded POS's about that kind of stuff. The classic "focus on your studies and getting a job rather than getting laid"(like either of those things were ever going to happen in my lifetime as a 12 year-old) was the dominant law in my family.

As years passed, my maturity grew at an astounding rate, but my laziness intervened with my studying. With a pair of broken hearts, my parents sent me off to what was printed on the pamphlets as "the most wealthy and dignified Academy in your nearest region." With a face showing my hatred towards my parent's decision and calling my parents on their steaming load of bullshit, I was stuffed on a bus and on my way towards my life of pain and suffering at the hands of meatheads.

…

"Thanks Zakku," she said in a low voice, breaking me from my stupid trance. "Thanks so much."

"Yeah uh, don't mention it." I slipped the supplies into the back of my pants and held her shoulders, slowly pushing her away.

"Sorry about that," she said, smiling cutely and rubbing the back of her head. "It was more Senketsu's idea than it was mine."

"To hug me? Or…"

She placed her hands on her hips. "T-to invite you to stay! The hugging was…" She scratched her cheek. "It was to thank you for taking us up on the offer and not being an idiot."

"Right, right. Is there enough room for me?"

"You kidding? Of course there is! Just make sure to get packing, alright?"

"Got it."

As I followed her back into class, I made plans to finish that damn letter as quickly as possible; losing her- my "way-" you might say- was probably something that I would find myself regretting for a long time.

…

"So, you're sure I can stay here?"

"Of course! It's nice to have another man in the house to even things out."

I smiled awkwardly at the kindness of Mako's mother. "And there's room for me?" I decided to ask again, just in case.

"There's always enough room for one of Mako and Ryūko's friends. Just try not to be a pervert and you'll fit in just fine!"

_As a housewife, she seems to know the ins-and-outs of things…_** "**Yeah, gotcha."

As I placed my things in the bedroom (a single duffel bag full of average necessities), I sat down and passively began my homework, doing my best to ignore the growling and gnawing in my stomach.

"So, how is it?" Ryūko asked, sitting down next to me.

"Relatively easy. Hitler was a pretty famous guy, so-"

"Not that," she said irritably, "I meant _living here_."

"Oh! It's pretty comfortable. Very… homey."

"That's good to hear." Then, after a pause: "I've been meaning to ask… why did you dorm at the academy in the first place? I thought since we're both transfer students and all…"

I shut my book and sighed deeply. I knew that there was going to be a time where I had to tell the story of my less-than-exciting past, but I never expected to have such a hard time getting to it. I looked to my right and found that she was wholly interested. With another awkward sigh, I began the tale.

…

_When looking into your eyes, the negative emotions that I feel are whisked away to a place that they become unimportant and nonexistent. When we share a moment together… just a fleeting one… I lock the memory into the deepest crevice of my heart. Each time my skin brushes against yours, I… completely shit on this sentence DEAR GOD WHY CAN'T I MAKE THIS FUCKING SENTENCE WORK!_

At this point, the eraser-end of my pencil had come to yet another disagreement with my notebook paper. There was a loud tearing noise as it ripped in two. Just a glance to my right- one little flick of the eyes- and my face would grow hot. _Christ, she's sleeping right next to me!_

Ryūko snored loudly as I tore my heart open and smeared my blood all over the letter. It was ironic, but strangely cute. I noticed that her pajama top was coming loose as she slumbered, and I debated fixing it. I shook my head and pressed on, not aware of how loud my writing was.

"Eh? Wuzzat?"

"Huh?"

"Hey, what'cha writing?"

I did my best to hide the supplies behind my back again when she yawned, but luck wasn't on my side this time; she saw everything.

"Is that… a love letter?" She asked, rubbing her eyes.

"N-no! I mean, well-"

"Ah, I get it…" A smart yet all-around-sexy smirk flashed. "You're writing this for Mako, aren't ya?"

"WHA? NO, I-"

"Don't try to deny it; I know how close you two are." She leaned in. "But between you and me, I think Gamagoori has a thing for her, so you better be careful."

_Wow, those two? Talk about a weird couple. Wait… WHY AM I THINKING THIS NOW!?_

"Don't worry, I won't get in the way too much. Just make sure you use the direct approach, alright? I'm guessing she'd like that."

She slipped under the covers and turned the other cheek as I beat my tiny brain for its insolence.


	5. Chapter 5: Syrupy Nonsense

_How deep is the grave that I just dug myself into?_

I looked to my left, and Ryūko tipped me a wink. "Go get her," that wink said. "Don't fuck up."

I looked to my right. Mako gave me a thumbs up. "Good luck, Zakku-kun," it said. "Bury your head in her boobs!" Okay, maybe it didn't say that exactly, but I was thinking about it for some reason.

It was true; my mind was wandering to the darkest of places whenever Ryūko was around. When she spoke, I started noticing how tomboyish it was, which complimented her already rowdy personality. My eyes couldn't help but wander to her figurative minefields when I thought for a second- one small, unimportant second- that she wouldn't notice.

_If this is true love,_ I remember thinking at that point, _I wish my crotch would appreciate it less._

If I held my arms out beside me, I probably would have been able to feel the wooden walls of a coffin. I could almost hear the Church bells and the loud weeping of… whoever bothered to showed up.

In other words, like two or three people.

Lord knows I already felt the suffocating feeling of being buried alive, a fear that kept me up at night and forced me to sleep sprawled on my bed like a starfish for several years. I remember having nightmares from watching that one movie where… the dude gets buried alive. Something about drugged coffee.

At this point, I felt like screaming my head off, yelling the truth for all to see. It would be the most embarrassing moment of my life (considering how my life went during these past few days, what could possibly compare?), but I would go to bed (probably not next to Ryūko… I don't think she would enjoy my loud-ass confession) knowing I had nothing on my conscious to wear me down.

It only got worse during lunch time.

...

The three of us decided to find a place for lunch. Ryūko did the honors of making the situation even more awkward by advising Mako to join us rather than devouring her food during lectures. I was crammed between the two of them and was moved left and right as they elbowed me into each other.

It soon escalated to them literally pushing me into each other. I was shoved to my right, my face in Ryūko's lap. She grabbed me by my hair and pulled me out, utterly pissed off.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"  
"Shoved… I was shoved…" I tried to gain my composure without celebrating where my head was pushed.

She looked to her left, her eyes widening in understanding.

"Why did she shove you into me?" She pushed me back, planting my head in Mako's chest.  
"This is not as pleasuring as I had expected," I muttered as Mako pushed me away. Forward this time, thank goodness. I got up and decided that I was no longer hungry.

Are these what harems are like? If so, anime has lied to me. As mad as I was, there was something good that came out of it all. Confidence. It was time for me to end everything and finish that fucking letter. I didn't care how hard it was going to be; even if I had to crap out the last two paragraphs (as much as it would hurt), this needed to stop.

...

"You sure take your studying seriously, don't you, Zakku-san?" Mako's mother asked as we sat for dinner.  
"Mhm. The day I get released from the Academy is when Hell freezes over."

I was sitting in a corner a few feet away from the dinner table and working on the letter, periodically shoving croquettes down my gullet. My (love)life depended on getting this thing done, after all. Even if it meant having to sit all by myself like some gremlin in the corner.

I sat in the dining room all night, my heart telling me to tip-toe into the bedroom and sleep next to Ryūko, my crotch agreeing, suggesting that I try to catch her with her top loose again. My brain, who began to realize how fucked the situation already was, decided to slap some sense into them. With an exasperated sigh, I continued my work. Despite the heavy bags forming under my eyes, I pressed on and soon finished as the sun began to rise... about an hour before it was time to get up for school.

I slipped under the covers next to Ryūko and took a good long look at her, my brain yelling at me about how awkward I must have looked. _Oh my holy God,_ I thought. _This is never going to fucking work._

...

"Ryūko-chan! How many clubs have you defeated so far?"  
"You're kidding right? I'm supposed to remember that? I lost count weeks ago."  
"I bet you're almost ready to fight Satsuki-sama again!"  
"You think so?"  
"Mhm! You've gotten so strong since the last fight!" ... "Gotta pee!"

Mako trotted off to the bathroom as I stammered a question to Ryūko.

"Hm? What's up?"  
"Hey, uh... you know that letter?"  
"Yeah, you almost finished?"  
"Mhm. I took care of it last night, and... well, you see it's..."

I shut my eyes and counted in my head. When I reached three and opened my eyes, I met her look of concern.

"You okay?"

I sighed deeply (another record-breaking accomplishment) and held the letter out to her.

"Like hell I'm doing this for you. _You_ give it to her. You're her crush, and-"  
"It's for you."  
"-you need to get a backbone so you... what?"

Thank goodness the hallway was empty save the two of us.

Her eyes widened. "EH!? WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S FOR ME?"  
"Just take the damn thing; it's embarrasing enough that there was a misunderstanding about it." She took the letter and I looked away. "When you caught me writing it earlier, I couldn't just say that-" I looked back at her and my face went red. "Wait... WHY ARE YOU READING IT NOW!?"

Ryūko held my note in shaking hands, her face a comical scarlet. The envelope lay on the floor forgotten.

"I gotta read this thing now, right?" She asked, her voice not quite steady. "Isn't that how it works?"  
"No, you keep the letter, and-"  
"'I lock each memory into the deepest crevice of my heart...' Zakku..."  
_Wow, that sentence came out well... wait, THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR THIS..._

It seemed like hours before she picked up the envelope and stashed the note inside. She walked up to me and placed a hand on my shoulder, her head down.

"Damn... never thought... anyone would... ya' know..."  
"Know... what?" I couldn't help but chuckle at her reaction.  
Her lips quivered for a moment they curved into smile. "Write something so friggin' beautiful for me like this."  
"Y-you liked it?" I scratched the back of my head.  
She only continued to smile at me before doing what gave me some nasty chills: she pulled open her uniform and slipped the letter into her bra.

"Woah, why did you-"  
"Let me show you if I liked it or not..." Before I knew it, her hands went to my cheeks. Time slowed down. Her eyes closed and her lips puckered. I felt like I was going to shit myself. Everything that I had worked for led up to this one awesome moment and-

"ZAKKUUUUUUU! YOU ASSHOLE!" I looked into the open classroom and saw every one of Honnouji Academy's male students break out in an all-out death-run towards me.

My mouth flew open and I shrieked in an abnormally high pitch that ruptured the sound waves.


	6. Chapter 6: Arrangement

"ZAKKU YAMASHIRO! WHAT YOU'VE DONE HAS DISRUPTED THE FLOW OF-"  
"Excuse me, Gamagōri-sama, but can you please lower your voice."

My ears were ringing... apparently it wasn't enough that my earlier shrieks broke the sound barrier; "Kiriyuin Satsuki's Impenetrable Shield and Local Megaphone" had to be giving me and my possible-girlfriend-but-not-quite-sure-at-the-moment the business about three inches away from our faces.

I could almost feel the steam seeping from my body as I sat in the office, my body littered with cuts and bruises and lumps from the ass-whopping I recieved just minutes earlier from the entire male student population. Even as Ryūko pulled me out, I was still being punched, scratched, and as evidence on my arm showed, even bitten.

"I WILL NOT! NEED I REMIND YOU THAT CLASS IS A-"  
"Is what? A smooth learning facility?" Ryūko asked. "Bullshit! Every time I get into a fight, the guys here turn into a bunch of stupid-ass perverts to watch the show. Last time I checked, that isn't the definition of a 'learning facility.'"

I could almost see their beams of anger surging forth from their eyes and clashing. I tried to keep my mouth shut, but Ryūko turned to me and expected me to pitch in.

"Look," I began, "she has a point. As a boy enrolled in this Academy, I can confirm that the male students here have hormones matching those of red-assed baboons. Plus, we didn't do anything during class. This took place before the bell rang."

To my relief, he sat back down in his chair (causing the ground to shake). "Alright then. If that's the case... I need you to explain the entire situation."

Ryūko looked at each other, both of our faces beet-red. She expected me to tell the story.

"Alright... uh... the thing is..." Oh fuck this... "I confessed to Ryūko."  
"...Confessed what, exactly?" Ira asked.

I blinked. "You know... confessed?" I nodded to Ryūko, who akwardly slipped the letter out of her shirt and handed to him.

Ira took one look at the letter and surprised us both by having the same expression that Ryūko had when she first read it . "You have quite the way with words, Yamashiro."

"He sure does," I heard Ryūko whisper softly. I turned to her and blushed at her sweet smile.  
"Okay... I'll make the two of you a deal." Ira crossed his arms.  
"Wha? I thought we were-"  
"AHEM! Now, I will let the two of you off the hook for riling the male students up like that IF-"  
"Wait, you still think we caused-"  
"ALL CHARGES WILL BE DROPPED IF YOU THE TWO OF YOU REFRAIN FROM SHOWING AFFECTION DURING CLASS HOURS!"

I rolled my eyes as my eardrums burst a second time. Ryūko slammed her hands on the table, clearly upset. Again.

"You've got to be kidding me! We're getting punished for something we didn't even-"  
"I will have no further discussion on this subject. Ryūko, please allow me to talk to your 'lover' in privacy."  
"Just do as he says," I advised. "It'll make things much easier."  
"Wha? But... ugh, fine." She left the room, slamming the door behind her to emphasize her point.

Ira turned to me, his eyes shut. I could have sworn I saw a blush on his face, completely unlike him. "Zakku... how long have you been writing... pieces like this?"

"Uh... well, I suppose I've been practicing this sort of thing... why?"  
"I'd like to start a club. I will handle all the paperwork. Listen closely, Yamashiro... you're the first student whom I'm offering this treatment, so..."

...

I stepped out of the office and closed the door behind me, my head aching. I was used to the normal shit that went on around here, but this? This just wasn't- "OOMPH!"

"Zakku-kun! What did that big-ass masochist tell ya?"  
"MMMPH! MMMPH!"

My favorite record was finally broken... Only in this case, it was completely consensual; Ryūko was squeezing me tight, my head buried in her cleavage.

"Wha? Oh, right." She released me from the boob-prison. ... "Wait, what? The two of you formed a club?"  
"Not exactly... we arranged a deal in which I would receive full immunity from every male student here if I agreed to take charge of the written word around here."  
"Meaning what, exactly?"  
"School newspaper. Taxes. Ira's bank accounts. Everything."  
"Jeez, talk about a loophole."  
"No kidding."

The two of us just stood in the empty hallway for awhile, looking at each other.

"So, uh... about that letter..."  
"Yeah?" She asked, smiling brightly.  
"What's your answer?"  
"I'm going to level with you... at first I thought about turning you down."  
_EH!?_ "You were about to kiss me, weren't you?"  
"Let me finish. When I first opened the letter, I thought it... well, I mean..." she looked away.  
"I gotcha; you thought it would have been crap, right?"  
"Not exactly... anyway, when I got to reading it, well, I was set on saying yes. Zakku-kun, this whole situation I'm in is pretty complicated. Getting involved with a boyfriend was something I didn't expect... I thought it would get in the way of things. But when I finished that letter, I realized somethin' important."

She walked up to me and slipped her arms around me, more delicate than the squeeze she gave me minutes earlier.

"I realized that the person who loved me this much was someone who I was close with. Know what I'm saying?"  
"Not really."  
"You've been such a close friend to me and we shared a lot of really warm moments that I will never forget. You and I have a bond that I don't want to lose, but to keep pushing forward. Listen, I know it's hard to explain, but-"  
I placed my hand on her cheek, a caring, loving movement that surprised both of us. "Ryūko-chan, you don't have to try and explain it. My love for you, it's..." I looked away. "It's complicated, but hell, I..."  
"Let's just shut up already," she said, moving her own hand to my cheek. "Lunch is about to start. Since it's not a class period, you know what that means?"  
"We can finish that kiss you were going to give me?"  
"Not... exactly. Although I hate what the bastard says, I really think we should date before we start doing anything like that."  
I pouted. "Fine, sounds good to me."  
She took my hand and squeezed gently. "Come on you dumbass, I'm starving."

She led me away with that grin on her face, letting me think that what would follow would be something cheerful, something calm and lovely.

Little did I know that hours later, nice and safe under the covers, that she was going to tear me to shreds.


	7. Chapter 7: Stop the Presses

"Headline: Kiriyuin Satsuki's eyebrows are bigger than her freaking face."  
"I like that... but I don't think it would go past Gamagoori for a second."  
"Eh, whatever. I'd read it."

Writing the school newspaper was... actually quite enjoyable. It was a pain that I other deadlines to meet- ones _other _than classwork- but the girl responsible for just about all of the going-on's around the Academy had her arm around me and was feeding me croquettes, so I was able to get the job done pretty easily.

"So what else do you have to write aside from the articles?"  
"Ugh, that reminds me... I have to work on spell-checking the documents sent by the Disciplinary Committee and... oh dear Lord..."  
"What?"  
"The newspaper gets requests for stories by the student population... check this one out." I pointed at one written by an anonymous student. "'Stop the presses! I caught Elite 4 member Sanageyama Uzu asking sewing club president Iori Shiro for work done on his...'" I attempted to read the rest of the post and burst out laughing.  
"The_ hell?_" Ryūko asked, blushing. "Does the sewing club even... wait, why is he... god, this school is freaking _crazy_!"  
"Oh, you have _no _idea," I said, finally beginning to calm down. "I'm going to have to go through these posts every day for the rest of my time at this place."  
"I swear, Zakku-kun... you seem to be the only sane person I know here. Even Mako is a bit off sometimes..."  
"I like to tell myself that too."

She pulled me in again and we touched cheeks.

"Not to mention you're not a stupid pervert. I know I keep saying it, but I'm _really_ grateful for that."  
"Yeah, about that..."  
"Huh?"

I _still_ hadn't told her about how much of a pervert I was the moment I found out about her damn kamui. The secret was driving me nuts, so I had to spill the beans. Even if it meant putting a wedge into our fragile relationship, I had to be honest with her.

A scowl appeared on her face as I told her. "So let me get this straight... you were lying to me the whole time. Is that it?" She pushed me away, angry.  
"That's not it, I-"  
"Then what _is _it, then?" Her voice started to rise. "You're sayin' I misjudged you? That I thought you were special, and now..." Her anger turned to sorrow.  
"Ryūko... at first I thought I would never be able to see you... well, like _that_. Then I started realizing that it was for the best, ya know? I felt like... if I saw you half-naked... there was a chance I really _would _turn into a dumb pervert and... you'd never look at me the same way again. I didn't want to lose the bond that I had with you."

She seemed to this consider this... and sighed. Then, while turning her head: "I know I can believe you when you say _that_."  
I smiled back at her, relieved that she understood and believed me. "Because of that letter, right?"  
"Yeah, you got it." She leaned in and kissed my cheek. "Sorry for bein' a bitch about it." She hugged me tight again.  
"N-no problem." It was the first time she kissed me; I was blushing redder than a damn beet.  
She plopped another croquette into her mouth. With our cheeks pressed together, I could feel her's bulging as she chewed. "So... you know what this means, right?" She asked, swallowing.  
"What?"  
"It means that you're gonna have to see me transform."  
"Wha? Why?"  
"It's pretty obvious. You never got a chance to see me do it. And before you jump into what you said earlier, I'm going to put you at ease." She took my hand. "I learned from my first fight with Satsuki that I need to stop being ashamed of getting naked anyway."

I couldn't help but blush at her saying that second-to-last word. I guess I was still reeling from that kiss.

"Am I going to see it... now?"  
"Hold on a sec." She looked down at her uniform. "You hearin' this? ... Yeah, good point."  
"What did he say?"  
"Senketsu wants me to be on my guard and not waste any blood. After what happened this morning, I think It's a good idea."  
"Yeah, I can't trust that masochist for a second." I made sure to keep my voice low, in case said masochist was eavesdropping. "By the way, when's the date?"  
"Tonight," she said calmly.  
"EH? That fast?"  
"Yeah, I'm dyin' to date you right now."  
_My luck just keeps getting better by the second!_ "In that case... where?" I was successful in keeping my excitement hidden... barely.  
"Huh? Isn't the _boy _supposed to decide?"  
"Thing is, I didn't think I'd get this far." I chuckled, trying to look as innocent as possible.  
"Well, in that case, I know the _perfect _place for a date."  
"You do?"  
She tipped me a wink. "Yeah! The _best_ restaurant in the city."

...

I had been on two dates in my life; neither of them ended with my first kiss. The one I was on with Matoi Ryūko was the best experience I ever had. What was ironic about it was the location.

"So _this _was your plan, eh?" I asked, looking into my bowl of familiar food.  
"Mhm. Betcha' didn't expect something like this for a first date."  
"No... no I did not."

I was eating croquettes. Again. This time, on the roof of the Makanshoku's house.

"Ya know something, Zakku?"  
"Hm?" I was gazing at the stars.  
"I never thought my life would have moments like this."  
"Neither have I. Speaking of which, you never told me about _your _past before you arrived here."  
"It's a pretty long story." She sighed and began.

...

"My god, Ryūko, I..."  
"If you're gonna apologize for what happened, it's alright. I'm totally fine with discussing it."  
"And yet you kept pushing forward, no matter what the odds. Whew!" I rested my head in my palms.  
"What's that supposed to mean?" She asked.  
"It means that once again, I underestimated you, Ryūko. Every time I think I have you pegged down, you go out and surprise me like this. You show me just how amazing you really are."  
I looked back at her and saw that she had an adorable blush on her face. "You really think so?"  
"I know so."

With her bangs covering her eyes, I saw her flash a bright smile, one that I think changed the bond between us forever. We had a new understanding for each other at that moment, one that sparked something in our relationship that even now I can't explain.

Shaking out of her trance, Ryūko took her bowl of croquettes and shoveled it down her gullet as fast as she could, much to my surprise. After a burp and a yawn, she turned to me.

"You still aren't done yet?" She asked, grinning playfully.  
"Give me a break, I just had croquettes a few hours ago."  
"You say that like it's a bad thing."  
"Let me rephrase that: eating around you is a pain in the ass."  
"Fine then, let me give you some motivation." She leaned back and rested her head on my lap. "If you finish in the next ten seconds, I'll kiss you."  
I held the bowl over Ryūko's head, my hands shaking. "That isn't fair, damn it."  
She smiled. "You're running out of time."

I shoveled my dinner into my mouth as fast as I could, knowing already that I couldn't finish without throwing up the "mystery" all over myself. My eyes were already wandering to her body as she rested it on the bench. _Damn, they look bigger from here. I wonder what size they are...? Wait, no, FOCUS!_

"Five more seconds..."  
"You're not helping!" I yelled, my mouth stuffed.  
"Three... two... one..."  
"I GOT THIS SHIT!"  
"Times up!"  
"AGH! ONE! I HAD ONE MORE LEFT!"

What was worse? Acting like a freaking idiot, or realizing how close I had gotten to finishing? Either way, Ryūko noticed my hung expression. She sat up on my lap and took the chopsticks out of my hand.

"Hey, what are you doing?"  
"Shut up and say 'aah.'" She took the last croquette and baited me with it.  
I humored her and took it with a grin.

"There! All finished."

She waited for me to swallow before I felt her hands on my cheeks and her lips against mine.


	8. Chapter 8: Brain Melting Formula

**Decided to release this chapter a bit early in celebration of the OVA getting subbed.**

**Have fun with the lewdness.**

**...**

The kiss was short, almost fleeting, but if I knew Ryūko, she wasn't finished yet. When her hands went to my cheeks, I knew that it wasn't going to be that quick. The moment she pulled back, she flashed a grin before coming back again. My brain was in shambles, worried that I would somehow ruin this perfect moment. After about five seconds of this, she finally broke it.

"I've been wantin' to do that for so long," she said softly.  
"Yeah, no kidding," I said, my breath a little short.  
"You okay? Sorry, did I overdo it a little?"

Her politeness was so damn adorable that I couldn't speak. I simply shook my head, my face scarlet. She slipped her arms around me again, her head finding a niche under my neck. I noticed a cute blush on _her_ face as well.

"I love you," she whispered, snuggling.  
"Dear god..."  
"Hm?" She brought her head up to meet my gaze.  
"I said, 'you too.'"  
"You... want me to get off? If all the guys around here are the same, then..." She gave me a "you-know-what-I-mean" look.  
"Despite your position, I should be fine." I didn't quite meet her eyes when I said that. I decided to change the subject. "Your body is gorgeous... this can't be your first date, can it?"  
Her face matched my shade. "Not exactly... back in middle school I was always getting into fights. I was challenged by a lot of boys, one of whom said that if I lost, I had to date him."  
"And... you _lost_?"  
"I couldn't win every fight, could I?" She sighed. "One other boy made me kiss him when I lost."  
"And you told me that... why, exactly?"

She adjusted her position so that her legs went around me as well as her arms.

"Because all those stupid kisses were just middle school bullshit. I never had a really meaningful kiss, let alone a relationship until now."  
"Really? And who was _that _with?" I joked.  
Our noses touched. "You're a glutton for punishment, huh?"  
"You're acting like this is a punishment for me?"

She puckered her lips again and proved my point for ten more minutes.

...

"You really truely made out with Ryūko-chan? Tell me the details!"  
"Easy Mako, I'm having a hard time keeping still right now."  
"That's right, you guys sleep next to each other! Are you excited?"  
"Well, I-"  
"Can I video-tape it?"  
"WHA?"  
"I like to keep the happy family memories. It'll be perfect!"  
"I don't really see the point of-"  
"How do they feel, Zakku-kun?"  
"What?"  
"Her boobies!"  
"WHAT?"  
_Christ,__ she's acting crazier than usual... if that's even possible. _

To my relief, Ryūko called my name.

"Yo! Zakku-kun! Could ya get me my pajamas?"  
"Yeah, hold on a sec!"

I answered her quickly, too immersed in relief to even fathom how she could have forgotten her pajamas with the perverts around her all night. I slid the door open casually, only for my eyes to lock on her bare feet as her skirt fell between her ankles. My mind screamed at me to turn away and run, but I was frozen in place, my eyes slowly scanning upward.

"Jeez, how long are ya gonna stare?"  
"Huh?" Realization hit me like a freight train. "AH! Oh god, don't hurt me!" I covered my face, remembering how I had had the exact same reaction when I had first met her. To my utter surprise, she chuckled.  
"You should really learn to knock, Zakku-kun."  
"You're not going to kick my ass?"  
"Nah. 'Sides, I don't mind undressing in front of you." To underline this point, she removed Senketsu in front of me.  
"You don't? Not even how much of a pussy I've been just now?"  
"You had the balls to write me that letter. And to open the door on me so casually."  
"Well, I..." Crap. She had a point.  
"C'mon, Cheer up." She walked over to me and planted her lips onto mine. "You're taking this shit _way _to seriously. Now get out, I need to take a bath."  
"...May I join you?"

Her face, already housing a light blush during this conversation (matching the same blush she had during our date just hours ago), grew to a feverish shade of red.

"H-hey now, uh... jeez... I..."  
Surprised and worried, I stopped her. "You know what? Forget I said anything. I'll just take Senketsu and head out, okay?"  
"Yeah, gotcha."

...

I sat up under the covers, too impatient to concentrate on the book I was reading. Just seeing Ryūko with that expression on her face, knowing I at least had a _chance _of bathing with her, kept my mind in some sort of metaphorical vise. I felt like an asshole wanting to take advantage of her confusion and embarrassment, but couldn't help but feeling a boost of confidence, telling myself that bathing with her should be a #1 priority.

Sighing, I looked up at Senketsu, who (which?) hung on the wall next to me.

"Yo." ... "Right, she's the only one who can hear you. How's being a piece of clothing doing?" ... "How do you feel about Ann Coulter?" ... "Yeah, me too."

_You know, the more you spout these ridiculous questions at me, the more I begin not to trust you.  
_"Eh... WHAT?"  
_You heard what I said. Do not mock me, Yamashiro-san.  
_He was talking to me. By God, the uniform was talking to me.  
"How come you're only speaking to me now? This would have been easier if you had just spoken up in the first place."  
_I'm unsure of that myself, actually. I'm thinking that somehow, Ryūko's ability to speak with me was transferred to you just a few hours ago, when she first kissed you.  
_"So you're saying it entered through her breath or something? That seems a bit... odd."  
_Not just from kissing you alone; I feel as if her love for you was able to... give you a bundle of life fibers that allow you to hold conversations with me.  
_"That sounds like it's riddled with clichés... it also sounds a bit sexy."  
_Listen carefully, Yamashiro-san... we must keep this secret between us. I am worried that the enemy may discover this secret if we confide it to_ _Ryūko.  
_"I don't like that plan very much. I don't want to lie to her."  
_Ah, this is another reason why I like you. You care about Ryūko more than anything else. That is why I persuaded her to court you.  
_I felt couldn't help myself from feeling honored. "Wow, I don't know what to say." I heard footsteps approach.  
_We will talk later. For now, love her. Don't stop. For everyone's sake, Zakku-kun..._

"Who ya talkin' too?" Ryūko asked, sitting next to me in her pajamas.  
"I was trying to get Senketsu to talk back to me. As you can imagine, nothing happened."  
She rubbed her shoulder against mine. "Hey... sorry about acting so strange when you wanted to bathe with me."  
"It's alright. I shouldn't have asked such a stupid question, right?"  
"It wasn't stupid, it was sweet. And for being so nice about it... I'm gonna try something out that I planned to do _much_ later with you."  
"And that is...?"

She was on me before I could even breathe. Her arms around my neck, almost strangling me, her chest an excessive softness against mine. She brought me to the ground and put her hand over my mouth.

"Just shut up for a little while, alright?"  
"..." I nodded in agreement.  
"Ryūko! Zakku! Good night!" I heard Mrs. Makanshoku call from somewhere that seemed far away.  
"G'night ma'm!" Ryūko called.  
"Is everything okay? I didn't hear Zakku..."  
Ryūko took her hand off my mouth and nodded. "Okay... I'm okay! Night!"  
"Oh, that's a relief. Sleep well!"

...

It felt like hours before the whole house was finally asleep, save me and Ryūko.

"Now then," she said sweetly, "just shut up and hold still, alright?"  
"Then at least explain-"  
"Ya know, you shouldn't have put such deep things in that damn letter."  
"Wha? Why?"  
"Because... I'm gonna eat you up!"  
"EH?"

I spent the next five minutes with her hands on my cheeks, her tongue in my mouth. It was a feeling of bliss that had to be forcefully interrupted by several instances of me losing my breath. Noticing my emotions at this point, she began rubbing her chest up and down against mine, sending my blood on some sick evacuation path towards the lower half of my body. I patted her back three times, begging her to take another break.

Ryūko giggled, finally letting me go. "Damn, you're cute."  
"Heh, thanks. You know me." I grinned.  
"We're just getting started, you know." She began to unbutton her pajamas.  
"What are you..."  
"Shh. I'm only undoing the first few buttons. Don't act like you're not enjoying this."  
"Based on that blush, I'm guessing _you_ aren't enjoying it?"  
"I'm just not used to showing affection and junk." She revealed her cleavage. "You're lucky you're so damn sweet."  
"You're telling me." I glanced at her chest every few seconds.  
"Relax, you can stare if you want." Then, with a whisper: "Pervert."  
"Mako won't stop reminding me how big they are."  
"I've been wondering that myself. I keep thinking I'm goin' up a few sizes every time I transform. Same goes for softness. What do you think?"  
My heart was caught up in my throat. "Yes."  
"Fine, then." She unbuttoned my shirt and pressed against me. "There! Skin-on-skin."  
The feeling was unbearable. "Dear God..."  
"You really are a stupid little kid sometimes... but you're still my big croquette."  
"Likewise."  
"Let's see what the mystery is, then."

As she came in again, I glanced at the clock.

_Eight more hours. _


	9. Chapter 9: Special Delivery

**A/N: Finally back for more of this piece. This is where things get out of the lovey-dovey train and into something a bit different...**

* * *

Morning. Finally.

A phantom ringing flowed through my brain, so reflex prompted me to stretch my arm out and press the squishy alarm clock next to me. _Five more minutes. Yeah, that's all I need. I'll be ready to- _realization struck me and I sighed, relieved. I had almost forgotten that Ira had given us one last pardon before the day was over: a free day off for me, Ryūko and Mako. With all that had happened that day, I couldn't help but grab his hand and shake it gratefully, almost in tears. The relief of a nice, relaxing, one-day vacation away from the hell at school was too good to be true.

I drummed the alarm clock with my fingers, a bit unsettled at the noise it made, _way _too tired to care. I opened my mouth and yawned, beginning to doze off again, when something pressed my hand onto the clock.

"Eh? Wuzzat?"  
"Alright Zakku-kun, if you're gonna be such a friggin' pervert about it..."

I looked to my right, not at all surprised that I had mistook Ryūko's boob for an alarm clock. Of fucking course. As I tried to pull free, she simply tightened her grip and spoke more slurry, dream-filled schlock.

"You ain't gettin' away that easy, you big pervert... c'mere!" Her free hand seized my arm as she began to pull herself towards me. "If you're so damn interested, then-"  
Her nose twitched as our faces were inches apart. Her eyes snapped open. "Agh, your breath smells like shit! We need to..." Her expression turned grave.  
"Ryūko, let me explain, I-" I cried out as she tightened her grip on my hand, which was still planted on her breast. Bones creaked.  
"You're lucky I decided to button up after I used the bathroom last night, otherwise you'd be bleeding on the floor right now."  
"Don't remind me of what could have- ow! Okay! I give."  
"That's what I thought." She released her death-grip. "What time is it?"  
I spied the alarm clock, cursing under my breath with the realization of how far away it was from where my hand went. "Seven o'clock."  
"Tch, screw this. I'm gettin' some extra sleep." Ryūko brought the blanket over her and thumped back down.  
I yawned again before lying next to her, slipping my arms around her waist. "Don't give me the cold shoulder."  
"I know you didn't mean to, but you've got to be more careful. I'm not used to this kinda thing, you know that."  
"Yeah, yeah. Just turn around, would you?"  
"Fine... but I'll be bringing the scissor blade with me," she teased, giving in.

...

It was noon as I stretched and yawned outside of the Makanshoku's. Despite how tenses flared when I first woke up, I had no trouble getting back to sleep. I gave the croquette ingredients list one last triple-check  
_(let's see what the mystery is, then.__)_  
before starting off towards the grocery store, not at all minding the fact that I was now spending half of my cash on groceries for my "adopted family" (you've probably read enough to know why I could hardly care less about allocating some cash).

Before we move on to the meat of this story (if the somewhat-raunchy moments that led to this point don't count), I'd like to say that if death were to have struck me at this very moment, I would have died a happy man. I'm sure you'll find it quite unsurprising that I would have no issue with my time on the Earth expiring suddenly before any of the following events occur.

...

The first thing I had noticed before being grabbed by the collar on my way to the local grocery store was how quiet it was outside. There were usually sounds of mugging (usually by our industrious little ones) and the occasional sound of a hobo asking politely for money (in exchange, of course, for some less-than-reputable services). Now it was quiet enough to hear a fucking pin drop. A little tense, I cleared my throat before turning a corner, looking behind me every few seconds to make sure that I wasn't being stalked by something created by John McTierman.

A few seconds later, I felt my nose push against me painfully as I walked into what felt like a brick wall. My eyes clamped in pain as my hands went to my bleeding sneezer before I was grabbed by my collar and forced up into the air. I felt my nose swell, making it a bit harder to open my eyes. Before I knew it I was being pulled into a dark alley a few feet from where I broke my fucking nose.

I hitched my breath to prepare for a scream as the grip on my shirt tightened. As it pulled me in, a wave of fear and intimidation stopped my scream dead in its tracks. A primal sense of dread enveloped me as I recognized who my captor was.

"G-Gamagoori-sensei?"  
"Zakku Yamashiro... you're coming with me!"  
"Nice try big guy, but-" A large tissue was stuffed down my throat before I could finish my moment of smart-assery. A painful odor of blood, sweat and shame coursed through my lungs. It was mostly shame. I cringed as a strip of duct tape was stretched over my mouth. _Silence is gold, and duct tape is... OH! I just got it. _  
"Just shut your trap and keep moving."  
"Mmph."

Thankfully, I had gotten used to being suffocated, so I was able to keep calm as Gamagoori hoisted me onto his shoulder like a dead weight (even with my now-beach-ball-sized-nose). I was told with a grunt to keep my eyes shut as well, that the path we were taking was reserved for student council only. After a few minutes of being carried, a familiar smell caused my nose to twitch; I picked up the daunting scent of a school hallway... but could hear nothing. _Even with classes going on, there should at least be groups of students chatting it up out here. The hell?__  
_

"Hmph. You think you three were the only ones getting a vacation?"  
"Mmph." (Oh great, the masochist can read my mind now.)  
"On the contrary, Yamashiro, you still have some business to be taken care of with Lady Satsuki."  
"Mmph... MMPH?" (Business? Well... WITH WHO!?) With the strength of ten scrawny men, I rolled my tongue over the shamed tissue and licked furiously at the plastic wrap. After a few seconds it came loose and I was finally able to speak. "OH COME ON? WHAT DID I DO TO PISS _HER _OFF?"

As if on cue, I was briskly slapped by a baton. My eyes flew open and I found myself looking at the rest of the Elite 4. I found myself exerting bricks.

"Watch your tone around us, you filthy little underachiever," Jakuzure commented smartly. Inumuta trailed slightly behind her, eyes buried in his laptop, while Sanageyama brought up the rear of the pack. He had an expression of utter boredom on his face, his hands in his pockets.  
"Whatever it was," I began, "I didn't do it!" It was the only thing I could think to say.  
"You best not damage our package, Jakuzure," said Gamagoori. "Lady Satsuki specifically told us to-"  
"Package? Wait, why am I being _delivered_?" After a few more seconds of thinking, it finally hit me. "...This is about my relationship with Ryūko, isn't it?"

As if one cue, everyone stopped in their tracks. I shook and writhed, finally slipping out of Gamagoori's arms and falling flat on my ass. I looked up at what had caused them to stop and realized that there would be more brick-sized excrement on the way.

I heard a distinctive tap on the floor of the hallway as a familiar voice arrived.

"You're absolutely right... Yamashiro Zakku."


	10. Chapter 10: The Being In The Clouds

"What exactly do you want with me, Satsuki-sama?" I asked politely.

Ten minutes after my kidnapping by the Elite 4, I found myself being served tea in a prestigious dining room. A gracious chandelier hung above me, candles lit. I tapped my foot awkwardly, still completely unsure of exactly what was going on, a bit regretful that I was too nervous to thank Soroi for the tea in front of me.

"Before I answer that," she responded, proper as usual, "I need you to calm yourself. I can assure you that no harm will come to you."  
The next nine words were out of my traitorous mouth like Lando betraying Han: "My ass. What game are you trying to play?"  
Satsuki must have noticed my appalled expression after that rebuttal; she simply closed her eyes and took a small sip from her teacup.  
"There is no game, Yamashiro Zakku." There was a _clink!_as her teacup touched the coaster plate, a sound that chilled me to the bone. "Although I'm not surprised that you would respond that way, based on your relationship with Matoi."

Time began to slow down. Satsuki's legs changed positions in slow motion. My hands shook, causing my teacup to jiggle between my fingers. I was all alone with her now, no dark-eyed butler to at least give me _some_sort of calmness. I looked across the table, not quite meeting her eyes. _I feel like those eyebrows are going to leap off her face and-_ my heart skipped a beat when a smile creased her face. It was devious, it was a tad graceful... but it was _knowing._

"Aren't you going to drink your tea, Yamashiro?"  
"Not until you tell me why I'm here." I impressed myself by being able to keep my voice steady.  
"Are you implying that I have sabotaged your drink?" She asked, tilting her head.  
_Yes_."N-not at all."  
"Then please, _drink_." She emphasized the last word with a tap of the heel.  
"Alright." I took a gracious sip, hoping that I had just avoided a swift kick to the testicle. Despite the situation itself, it was the best drink I had ever tasted.  
"There," Satsuki said during my intense relief of not getting roofied,"as I said, no harm."  
"Fair enough… so what do you want with me?" I repeated.  
"I will make this simple; I want to train you and enlist you into my ranks."  
"E-excuse me?"  
"I have been watching you, Yamashiro Zakku. You have a headstrong personality, ambition, perseverance… yet no abilities to assist you in taking advantage of those qualities." I couldn't help but blush at this. "I can help you reach your goals… to become stronger… and to protect your friends."  
"So you planned the whole thing out, didn't you?" I took regular sips from the now-addicting tea. "You looked at my entrance exam results and kept me in a dormitory, even after No Tardy Day freed up the slums. You *sip* took *sip* advantage *sip* of me! *Extremely long sip.*" Soroi slid over and poured me a second cup. "Thanks."  
"I in no way took advantage of your situation. If anything, I was honoring you for your prowess. Listen carefully, Yamashiro; what I plan to do may very well earn you an extremely high position in Honnouji Academy."  
I crossed my arms and agreed to listen. I didn't have much of a choice in the matter, now did I?

"You will come to the Academy every other day for the next three weeks. You'll be given a Two-Star Goku Uniform and be taught how to use and control its power. In addition, you will be taught how to fight from Sanageyama. You will learn each and every step that it takes to become part of the disciplinary committee. And if your training bodes well, you may receive an upgrade."  
The plan was so well formulated it was almost scary. There was one thing missing, of course. "And what if I say no?" I responded.  
On cue, she held up a contract. I noticed my sloppy signature- I was never that good at cursive- at the bottom of the document. "Then your time as a student at Hannouji Academy will come to an end and I will be rid of this document. You will be expelled and sent home."

My heart froze in my chest. The surprisingly delicious tea that I had been drinking suddenly turned sour. If it weren't for the fact that I was completely unable to move, I probably would have vomited. My stomach turned as I saw that same smile from just minutes ago crease her face once again. _Like a being in the clouds, she planned every step._

"And finally," she continued, ignoring my state of despair, "if any word of this gets to Matoi, she will suffer the same fate."  
_ I should have known,_ I thought as Satsuki took another proper sip. _This is all because I'm with _her_. All that bullshit about having an 'ambitious personality' was just a pisspoor cover-up for what's _really_ going on here._ _And even if I were to secretly confine this to Ryūko… she'd know. This is Lady _Friggin _Satsuki we're talking about._

As if reading my mind, she started up again. "Think carefully about this, Yamashiro. If you accept and succeed, you will be given benefits that I have never offered a student before… Do you accept?"  
I looked down at my empty teacup, appearing to be lost in thought. "…Give me a day to think about it."  
Her eyes opened, finally caught off guard.

_At least, _I thought, _I can go home with that much._

…

I slouched as I walked back to the Makanshoku's, my feeling of happiness completely lost. Every situation that I had been in leading up until this point; the whole fiasco with Mako and Ryūko, the stupid letter that helped me win my first real love, none of it could compare to the crap that I was dealing with now. And don't worry, reader, I don't blame you for finding me a tad whiny.

It came down to two choices: give in and join up with Satsuki to become something that my girlfriend despises, or say no and get expelled because I was too much of a coward to face a higher power. Of course, there was still the third choice of trying to keep it a secret between me and Ryūko and throwing _her_ in the same barrel as well.

Seriously, can life ever give me _some _sort of a break?

As I approached the doorstep, I noticed a rectangular box with my name written on the side in extremely careful and proper handwriting resembling that of a prestigious writer. I knew exactly what it was as I bent down to examine a small note attached to it… more tea. The note's handwriting far preceded that which was on the side of the box.

"If you join us, you get more of this stupid tea, you damn underachiever."

Although the chance to lose myself in my guilty pleasure was tempting, it did not at all outweigh my choices. Still, I smirked as I picked up the box and walked inside, where Mako greeted me.

"Zakku-kun! You're finally back!"  
"Yeah, sorry about taking so long. About the groceries-"  
"Oh, yeah, I was STARVING! But Mom picked up the groceries and saved us all. Ooooooh, what's in the box?" She said, pointing directly at the container holding my guilty pleasure.  
"Uh… just a package I had to pick up from the post office. I got a message on my way to the store that said-"  
"Oooooh, can I see what's inside, Zakku-Wakku? Pleeeeease, I promise I won't tell anyone!"  
_Anything is better than another "Hallelujah" sequence. _"Just think of it like I'm a spy and the contents of my package are for my eyes only."  
"Okay… wait, why is Lady Satsuki-sama's handwriting on the box?"  
Crap. "Well, you see, uh, my parents requested that…" _Need to come up of a way to get out of this…_ "Wait, why did you call me 'Zakku-Wakku' earlier? What's with that?"  
"Hm? Oh, I caught Ryūko calling you that while you were gone."  
"I don't believe you."  
"I know, I could hardly believe it either! When she found out that I caught it she got all red and blushy and stuff."  
"So she's calling me pet names now. Can't say I'm… sad about that. Where is she, anyway?"  
"Oh! I forgot! She went looking for you when you didn't come back after an hour."  
"And I _also_ told her _not_ to tell her about calling you that," an irritated voice said behind me.  
"Ryūko-chaaaan! You're back!" I didn't find it surprising that Mako's attitude was my polar opposite.

I was able to turn around quietly, despite the unsettling feeling that my guilt had caused me to squeak like a door in desperate need of oil around the hinges. It didn't help that her arms were crossed, a scowl creasing her face. I prayed to whomever was in charge with my atrocity of a student life that she wouldn't inquire of the contents in the box.

"What's in the box?"  
Shit. "Nothing."  
"What's in it, Zakku?" She repeated, taking a step towards me.  
"It's for my eyes only."  
"Ooh! Is it the severed head of your wife?" Mako asked. "Did the killer you just caught play you like a fool?"  
"Do I _look_ like an old African-American actor to you?"  
"About as much as Mako looks like a whiny Caucasian actor," Ryūko replied, pointing with her thumb. "Screw this, I'm opening the package."

To my dismay, she forced the box out of my hands and whipped out her scissor blade in preparation of cutting the duct tape. As time slowed down once again, gears attempted to turn in my mind, trying to form a distraction. _I can't stop her from opening the box, that's for sure. But it's only tea… I can wiggle my way out of this situation, as long as she doesn't see…_

Jakuzure's message on the side of the box.

As the blade began to pierce the tape, as Mako pointed at the message with the intention to speak, I did the only thing I could think of. I graspedRyūko's wrist with my left hand, the other grabbing the bottom of her shirt. With a grunt, I brought my face up to hers and kissed her passionately, at the same time lifting her shirt (this was much harder than how I'm making it, I assure you).

Feeling her tongue eventually give in, I saw her eyes close. I felt her hand relax. From behind, I heard Mako's nose explode and a _thud_ as she collapsed. _One shot at this!_

I grabbed the dropped blade and strained my arm to reach the message that would spell my doom.


End file.
